In Response.

Here at the Golden Horn, we strive to bring our customers what they want. Fast, heart attack inducing and sperm killing greasy foods. What kind of kebab house would we be otherwise? That is why it is unfortunate that of late, due to certain persons I cannot name for legal reasons, we have received an influx of negative attention. We received the following notecard from our landlord (expletives have been deleted because at least we have morals) -

To whom it may concern,

Thanks Sal for getting us the opportunity to speak to these ***holes, trying to get a hold of them has been impossible.

I'd like it to be known that not only did one of the Golden Horns food products decrease my popularity in certain social circles but I just found it to be not only pointless but insulting.

I'd also like to know who it was that orchestrated the stupid hotdog selling shindig at Armidi? We go there to buy hair and clothes not be hassled by a noob trying to give away F***ING HOTDOGS!??

Thanks for nothing, ****** Teardrop

All we, the management, have to say to this ridiculous account of our conduct is that if you don't want your social status decreasing, then maybe next time don't purchase the Curry Kebab if you can't stomach it. What's wrong? Accident in your pants? Don't worry darling the laundromat is next door.

Rot Dog Vendors Take To The Streets

Recently seen any skankily dressed tramp looking types trying to offload some goods on you? That's right our Rot Dog Vendors have taken to the streets with two mission objectives!

1. To get rid of items of our menu that are slightly "mature".

2. Try get idiots to buy health insurance off of us.

We're very proud to be employing Rot Dog vendors, infact we're doing the public a favour, the kind of scum we've got working for us can usually be found in the local kids park off their head on meths and shouting at cars. We at the Golden Horn are officially trying to help society and make this world a better place for the unfortunate.

Note: If anyone has heard from Derek "Green Fingers" Smith (one of our vendors) contact us immediately. He was last assigned to vendor work on the local motorway and we haven't heard from him since.

Several members of the public have already spoken out about their views on us using the "homeless" as vessels for selling our wares.

"I was disgusted when I purchased my Rot Dog from a vendor. Three words to sum up my experience - dirty, unsanitary and dangerous. If you want my views on the food as well just ask!" Annunziata Macchi

"What kind of sickos employ these people? The guy selling claimed I couldn't "beat his meat", he then proceeded to drop his pants and do it for himself." Riq Graves

Of the hundreds of amazing writeups and compliments we've got for our "Lets Get Scum To Sell Scum" scheme only a few people had negative comments and they've been dealt with accordingly.

New flavoured kebab in this week, Riq Dog with Ketchup & Macchi. Get it free, we won't charge for that shit.

Menu - Prices Are Non-Negotiable. Pay, Eat, Fuck Off.

If you're looking at this menu either you've just spent the night down the local and you've got a slag on your arm or you have some kind of illness/affliction. Whatever your situation, we're here to cater to your ever decreasing standards!

What to expect? Wholesome, healthy and fresh food as well as a ton of false advertising.

What we expect? If you are a member of the local law enforcement please make it known upon ordering. As we have already stated in an earlier interview with DCI Robinson, Shilo Gunesh has never, isn't and will never work at our establishment.


CHEESEBURGER - Cue grease injection! Cheese is optional, price is not.

CHICKEN BURGER - It looks like chicken, it tastes like ain't chicken! Mayonnaise is currently out of stock so we've all made personal substitutions.

TRIPLE BURGER - Not just double trouble...

DONER KEBAB - You should probably call an ambulance now!

KOFTE KEBAB - You'll be sweating grease for a week.

SHISH KEBAB - Skewered Alsatian anyone?

CURRY KEBAB - I hope you bought a weeks supply of loo roll...

FISN N' CHIPS - Fresh fish caught today floating in a pond with a used rubber.

If you wish to pay in another currency e.g. teeth, it can be arranged by speaking with Mohammed Koc or Shilo Gunesh.